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Monday, January 25th, 2010
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8:40 pm - call out to You
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I am just so disillusioned, I want out. but is that escapism?
everything else seems either so short-term or meaningless, I wouldn't be able to stay with anything for long. there're only 2 things I can think of right now that I would actually stick to doing, but both seem so far-fetched in completely opposite directions.
I really wish God would just show me the way now, but I know He works in His time. everything works toward the better.
it's just that I'm really so confused and can't see things straight at this point.
I would so love to go back to those blissful days of yore. if they even existed, at all.
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| Sunday, July 19th, 2009
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1:25 pm - Dr. Joseph Ozawa
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no, I am not going to write about a man, but about a really moving sermon I heard today. it's been almost 10 years since I first remember hearing him preach. till today, most of the sermons I remember - in other words, which had an impact great enough to ingrain those lessons in me - were all by him. and I'm sure that it was by God's grace that I just so happened to go for this particular service today because it has been a long time since I have left the sanctuary feeling at peace. a sense of tranquility which allowed me to take time to slow down and once again appreciate things around me, and not to feel so easily irritable with everyone and everything. at last I could search deep within my soul and truly pull myself back onto track - something which I have long recognised the need for but for reasons unexplainable, just could not get myself to.
"least of these." why have I been dreaming of material things, worldly possessions? why was I becoming in the world and of the world? I had never wished for that. give me a heart of compassion o Lord, for that is what I knew I'd wanted long ago, and that is what I know I want now. honestly, not much else matters. what I'm going to do with my life post-graduation? I don't exactly know yet. but I do know that I did know that I wanted to follow my heart and do something which would directly deal with making a change in peoples' lives. those who need God. for now I still don't know what that would encompass, but until I sense a calling, I shan't know.
God works in wondrous ways. tossing the Bible in the air, blindly pointing at a verse and having it minister to you? yes. why do I love to read the gospel books so much? because they are stories of Jesus' life, in which His boundless perfection was exemplified through how He lived and what He did. He had a heart of compassion. for anyone and everyone. yes, He lived by example.
until I lost sight of it, that was how I wanted to live my life-
but I thank God for sending dr Joe Ozawa to preach today, a preacher I've always been fond of listening to not because I worship man, but because I know God speaks through him. not only from what he preaches but also from his demeanor can I sense a humble and genuine man of God. probably the reason why his only-from-the-gospels messages have remained with me till today.
I pray that God will continue to bless his ministry and touch the lives of many through him. Praise God.
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| Monday, June 22nd, 2009
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8:27 pm
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I think I'm glad that I'm going to chinaland tomorrow. I look upon it as a time to slow down and reflect on things. things in general. once again, I need to re-evaluate my life and ask myself if this is how I should be, how I want to be. because at the moment, I don't think it's going the way I w anted it to. I thought I'd grown up, but as I was riding the bus home today I began to reflect on so many things that have happened in the past year or so, and with utter horror I realised I might have reverted to being my immature self. china is going to be a good retreat. hopefully my dad's apartment will provide a condusive environment for conducting self-reflection. this break no doubt comes at a good time as I prepare to turn 22(!!) in a few weeks' time.
22. if only forever 21 could be true. at 22, one becomes fully adult after passing the initial euphoric first year of adulthood. yet each year as I grow older, it never feels like my self grows older. being 21 doesn't feel any different than when I was 16. and probably neither will it when I'm 50 compared to now. perhaps physically, yes. but pretty much nobody lives each day telling themselves how old they are. it's usually the society that reminds us of our age and tells us how we should act. it defines the boundaries within which we ought to confine our behaviour.
and it is because of this that I feel totally inadequate as a 21 year old, let alone soon-to-be 22 year old. I think I'll use the time away in china to seriously evaluate things, and to discern the reasonable from the unreasonable. alright. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I'm extremelyyyy tired and amazingly jetlagged. and I still have to unpack and pack for tmr's flight. departing eaRLY MORNING. augh
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| Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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6:17 am - only sweet memories
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as is tradition. I write on every last day of something.
so this is the end. the end of my amazing stay in the states. in illinois. in good old champaign-urbana. it's been such a special experience, every single thing I've been through here, good or bad, I've valued. which is perhaps what made my overall experience all the more awesome because I actually fought for my happiness. and then again, they say it's the people that make the place. and I think it's true. thank you Lord for all the wonderful people I've met, friendships I've forged in the past year. I think mere words cannot express all that I'm feeling right now, or then again maybe the reality that I'm leaving this place hasn't quite sunk in yet. but it will. this is the end.
I'm now on the illini shuttle. bakc the same way I came from 10 months ago. we're travelling on the i57 and it's storming like crazy and just as I typed that lightning lit up the whole freaking awesome sky. it's frightening, and maybe the flatness of the cornland makes the lightning seem even more stretched out.
I would like to write more to capture this moment but as I said nothing can really express my sentiments. and also, I'm wayyy too tired after moving stuff all night long. I think I'm going to konk out right after this..
oh the memories, the memories! surely they are for keeps
good morning o'hare.
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| Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
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3:57 pm - is this the end?
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music possesses the unique power to transport you back in time, to the days of yore and sweet nostalgia...
only music and music alone.
for one too many a time in my life, don't say goodbye.
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| Saturday, April 11th, 2009
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5:09 am - Eastertime and I thank you for the cross, Lord
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yesterday was a terribly tiring day cuz we went to the mall, and I really am not much of a shopper. enough said. so the question is, why am I up at such a disgusting hour?
well, I have been lying in bed since 1 and trying my best to fall asleep - how you 'try to fall asleep' I simply cannot comprehend because usually I'm so tired I just... drift off real quick. so anyway, frustrated and mystified as to my sleeplessness, I finally decided to put an end to my miserable tossing and turning by getting up to study. and lo and behold, sitting at my desk, I find the answer staring me straight in the face...
I had had two LARGE cups of mcdonald's sweetened and unsweetened iced tea just before crawling into bed. no wonder they say I'm a genius.
that aside, it has been almost a week since my awesome-st hockey team won the championship. yes... we are officially the WCHL DIV CHAMPS, undefeated all season too!!!! love my team!! hockey is undoubtedly the best thing that happened to me in the UofI... aside from my cool friends, of course ♥ memories from my days here are definitely for keeps ♥
showstoppers... ladies you rock!
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| Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
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11:47 pm - April brings the fresh buds and delicate flowers
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I'm so on top of my work! I've finished all that I need to do for now and am therefore writing...
so Spring break ended off with a bang! we drove through random snow blizzards on our harrowing journey back from Seattle. yes, we drove. 4,334 miles. we came, we saw, we conquered... 6 states. and I LOVE my asb group to bits :) oh and on a side note, I loved it so much I actually applied for the summer trip, so I will be around for a bit after finals ;)
today consisted of yet another last. last hockey practice :( counting down with dread, yet with excitement. I really don't know anymore... I'm torn.
but along with the new life that comes with Spring, so the weekend brings... p-l-a-y-o-f-f-s!!!!!!!
I am so psyched right now.
GO ILLINI!!
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| Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
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10:17 pm - the first of many lasts to come
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so Friday was our last hockey league game in Homewood-Flossmoor and we tied. Saturday was our last game on home ice and it was filled with awesome moments- and I have a ton of photos to remember them by. that concludes my first ever hockey season. no wait... we still have play-offs the first week of April. then it will be goodbye for good :( anyway, I just really need to thank God for helping me through last week. I'd spent the bit part of the week in agony, and none of the medicine from McKinley could alleviate the pain. He knew that I really wanted so much to play the weekend's games... and lo and behold, I played, and I survived. and now I'm on the road to full recovery in time for...
Spring break. it needs to come soon. last Saturday I was confused for awhile during my hockey game because I thought we were in third period. but apparently we were still in second and hence I was playing the wrong wing. today... I missed my class because I was still living on Monday time?? Spring break really needs to come quick.
SEATTLE!!!!!
current mood:  excited
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| Friday, January 30th, 2009
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8:46 pm - Winter break was a blast
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Sometimes the best times are when you're busy. Too busy to have time to sit down and think, too busy to feel sad.
The past few days have been fairly hectic- classes have begun and all the quizzes, readings and whatnot are starting to pile up. I'm not sure if I'm glad to be so short of time and constantly feeling tired, but then again I get to fall asleep almost immediately when I crawl into bed. That leaves me with zero time to be emo...
I went sledding today.. and gained a couple of bruises before even playing hockey! Speaking of which, I have a game in about an hour's time.
current mood:  blank
current music: Have it all - Jeremy Kay
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2009
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12:57 am - Happy New Year - pull your ear
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So it's 2009 and I'm in NYC... the past year has really flown by. Thanks for everything 2008, thank you Lord for all the things I've ever been blessed with. I'm kinda dreading having to go through yet another year, starting right from 01/01.. So I am feeling somewhat depressed- as always. But anyway. New Years in New York City (!!!) was just crazy... a totally new experience. I shan't even attempt to describe all that has happened these past few days- too much to pen, and besides, my sad command of language won't do my experiences any justice. Oh well. So. I went to Times Square tonight and froze my ass off for the countdown!!! :) :) and to watch "the damned ball" drop. Well, I did, and I really froze to death. At first I gave up and went back to the hostel... but then with my mum's persuasion (and for once I don't regret) we went back out to Times Square again.. and saw operation crystal ball drop through... amidst a crowd of frozen icicles since it was freaking 18 degrees. It was all worth it though, I think. As I said, I don't regret. and I just got back moments ago.
I'm really distracted now so I'm not going to write anymore, but I think the NYPD and all the people behind the success of tonight's celebration really deserve a huge hug and a handshake :) Men in uniform are my heroes :) And I thank God for the opportunity for me to be here :)
current mood:  frozen icicle
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
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10:03 pm - BARACK OBAMA IS THE NEW PRESIDENT
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it was a forgone conclusion from the start. but now, it's official, BARACK OBAMA IS THE NEW PRESIDENT OF AMERICA, THE NEW LEADER OF THE WORLD
deep into the fall, in the midst of an indian summer, we take a glance into the future....
I can hear people cheering outside now... it's pretty exciting to be here. and right smack in the middle of Illinois- the home state of Obama.
well, get down on your knees and pray- thank God or cry "why Lord?"- but I'm sure He knows what's best for the country and the world.
this will seriously be one of the biggest moments that's gonna go down in history.
and just in case you're wondering, I don't actually have an opinion on this whole presidential election. both candidates seem good, except that the past 8 years probably screwed up any chance poor John McCain had.
and so, that's that.
current mood: excited
current music: cheers of americans on tv and outside my window
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| Monday, October 20th, 2008
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1:02 am - Fall has descended upon us...
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Today marks the second month into my 1 year stint here in IlliNOIS.. and thus far, the school has treated me well. In 2 months, I've felt more at home here than I ever have in NSW... (or did I ever feel at home there at all?) I really do like this school, and I'm sure it's gonna blossom into love :) Anyway, today I went to watch my favourite Marching Illini in concert together with Little Friend :) Needless to say, the concert was awesome.. and on top of that, we got in free because a kind lady at the door gave us her 2 extra tickets when she heard that we had yet to get our tickets. Well I have never watched such an entertaining and creative performance by a band- true, they're a marching band so they've got more -moves- but they today they had the same performance space as a concert band would have... I captured some groove on video ;) aaahhhhh So we're now in the midst of the fall... the weather has cooled down drastically, the level of food consumption has escalated, the days of Chinese buffet + pizza party + ihop eat-all-you-can = single meal have arrived, and the pounds are on the way... Okay, it's depressing Sunday night and I intend to (really, I do) go for my 9am class tomorrow which I have not been to in 3 weeks. So I should sleep. 8 weeks down, 8 to go... I guess with so many things to be thankful for, I'm content now :)
current mood:  happy
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| Thursday, September 25th, 2008
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2:04 am - midterms begin tomorrow...
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it's only week 5 and things are already in full swing- a huge contrast to aussie. I'm back to pulling all-nighters, cramming for exams and writing papers at the eleventh hour. I wish this would end soon. graduation, come soon. but till then, there are still many hurdles to cross...
anyway, I'm up in the middle of the night frantically trying to cover material for my exam tomorrow but I've ended up coming here to write. I suddenly had this whole feeling overcome me... for just one second I took my mind off psychcrap and allowed my mind to wander... whereupon my thoughts drifted to the warm memories of home, and most strangely, sydney...
perhaps it's not a feeling of longing to be back there but a sense of nostalgia. how time has flown by, and how it is flying by. I thought about my very first semester in uni... a period which may be more easily described as 'bittersweet memories'- I can't think of any more apt way to express how that stretch of time is now represented in my mind. I suppose the long and short of it all is that in His time, He makes all things beautiful. including the most unexpected 'things'. and I really gotta get back to studying. and sleep.
current mood:  pensive
current music: absolute silence. very conducive for jolting my dormant brain cells.
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| Friday, September 12th, 2008
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12:42 am - the 7th anniversary
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they say that time heals all wounds.
watching the footage gathered from the 9/11 attacks on the history channel still makes my heart ache for the people in the attacks, and their familes that survived them. it's so sad and difficult just having to imagine what those people went through. they are, were, after all, merely people and innocent lives caught in the middle of a crossfire. how long will it take to forget such a day etched in so many peoples' memories? sigh...
on another note, I think it's time the country turned back to God, and not only in times of trouble.
may God bless America and us all.
"it's Tuesday morning on the 11th of September, and you will not forget this day..."
current mood:  sad
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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11:57 pm - the wonderful U of I and it's spirit of Illini
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so, I'm in Champaign. the first week of school's almost over and I've been here for 10 days! so far things have been fantastic. I really thank God for the opportunity to be here (away from the black hole down under, haha). the school is seriously amazing. it's huge, the buildings are quaint, the plants are pretty, the food is cheap and plenty... it's everything the Uni of No-Student-Welfare is not. it's so awesome, I love it. wish I could have been here from the start! but I shan't complain, I'll settle for a year- better than none!
well anyway, finally after all this while, I figured out how to open my room window. so I can finally turn off the air-conditioner until the weather starts getting cold, at which I'll turn on the heater. it's raining tonight, with lightning and whatnot. sooo cosy! and did I mention, my room has a microfridge so I can eat at anytime I want instead of hunting for faraway dining halls (which I only eat at during lunchtime since there's one conveniently located right across the music building). and then I bought a teeveeee haha. we have free cable tv in our rooms. and I have a loft bed configured to mid-loft so that even if I roll off the bed in the middle of a nightmare, I won't sustain any serious brain damage. haha. and I have a private room line and stuff like that so I can call my friends who live a few floors below.. for free! wow. okay so in short, I'm really comfortable in my grad hall, and I really thank God for providing :)
I haven't really been writing for awhile, or at least not anything too coherent.. so I'm having a bit of trouble finding words to express my... current sentiments. anyway. today was pretty fulFILLING. ha ha. I ate a super truckload of food at lunchtime cus I didn't wanna eat dinner - save money - but I've been feeling sick ever since- I had a fatal pile of fried cheese ravioli and steak fries (am I gonna grow fat here or what!), and my healthy fruit was absentmindedly left behind when I cleared my tray. drats.
okay, so upon getting back today I finally, finally, got down to starting on some work and readings. I'm actually taking a music class by the way. it's all theory stuff that I seem to already know so far, but I miss having any form of music class so much, it's all fun and interesting. at the end of it all I actually have to write a paper and come up with my own original composition. I hope I can equal gershwin or something, yeah right. wait. and di dI mention, I'm taking a skating class? far out man!! it's super fun. ha ha. I'm actually getting credit for learning some cool moves. and finally, I *might* have found a church! like my new home for the year ahead. it's the uni baptist church which is just a block away from my dorm so it's convenient, and cool too. attended Bible study tonight and met some really nice people :)
so I guess, if you're wondering, things are coming along pretty fine here. so far no hints of imminent depression or anything.. so all's well. really really thank God soooo much for being there with me through thick and thin. He's really seen me through alot, and I can hardly believe I've been able to come this far today (well, and literally too). and I do believe that the best is still yet to come...
current mood:  content
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| Saturday, August 9th, 2008
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7:22 pm - I'm proud to be Singaporean!
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well well, can you believe it, I'm actually in Singapore for National Day this year! I feel super hyped up, except that I'm at home (which is kinda anti-climax). I wanna join in the enthusiasm and paint my face red and white and whatnot! I really LOVE SINGAPORE so much!! I'm so proud to be a Singapore citizen, a Singaporean! pure blood! 7th generation Singaporean! :D
I'm watching the National Day Parade on tv now while typing this, and the video flashback of the past made me realise just how much Singapore has progressed within a miraculously short period of time. it's truly amazing... -sighs in awe- tell me, which other country has been able to move from nothing to first world status in less than half a century?! SINGAPORE SINGAPORE! words can't express my pride. and if there's anything to describe how I'm feeling today, right now, I'm literally bursting with pride.
sometimes I wonder what happened to me. suddenly I'm such a patriot! :) but heck, there's nothing wrong with being one right? after all, I'm a pure bred Singaporean :) and no other country is ever gonna defend me like Singapore ever will. we're truly a unique country, a unique lot of pple. whatever quirks Singaporeans may irk me with, they're still my beloved fellow countrymen.
I just hope that people and in particular, those intellectual defectors will come to their senses (like I finally have). I don't want Singapore to be forsaken by the very people that she's bred.. and be taken over by others... :(
cheers SINGAPORE and here's wishing you the very happiest 43rd birthday! (and happy birthday to mother too!)
current mood: proud
current music: sounds from the NDP in the background
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| Saturday, July 5th, 2008
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12:17 am - the coming of age
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my 21st birthday is fast approaching!! sad to say, in all my 21 years I haven't achieved much at all and today, I'm close to being practically talentless. how sad is that. whatever happened to the humanistic theory of human self-actualisation?? the other day when I heard my brother play the piano again I was reminded of how pathetic I am... should stop moping over my sad state huh. but I really wish I'd just stuck to doing something because now, I'm just a jack of all trades but master of none. and that really really saddens me. each day, each year, I vow to change, to try to do things to my full potential, but I guess I never fulfill my aims. I'm now awaiting my term results... and I'm sitting on edge being 77% sure that I failed my statistics course and hoping and praying hard that I passed the others- a far cry from the confidence with which I was receiving HDs and Ds last year.
turning 21 is supposed to mean that we officially 'become' adults. though it definitely isn't an overnight transformation. I really hope that this bithday, this year, I'll grow to be more disciplined in every aspect. a closer, stronger, and smoother walk with Thee; better patience and tolerance; maturity; improve on the piano; eat only when hungry;
we'll see how it goes. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4.13.
current mood:  old
current music: la boutique fantastique (full ballet) - rossini-respighi
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| Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
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10:49 am - fair winds and following seas
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time has literally flown by and it's kind of hard to believe I'll be leaving Sydney tomorrow.
was standing in the cathedral square outside the town hall this morning, soaking in the atmosphere and feeling an indescribable sentimentality. it's going to be quite some time before I'll see all that again. I'm gonna miss the church, the friends I've met there (albeit only rather recently and only over Sunday morning tea), and I'm going to miss the early Sunday mornings in the city when few others are up and about, and I'm able to stroll around freely, ponder, and really start to appreciate things. and then there's my caregroup, which has no doubt been my core source of support all this while. I'm really going to miss them...
I never thought I'd ever feel this way about leaving the place that I've always been so anxious to pack up and get away from. I mean, I AM terribly excited about finally going home, and yet at the same time my heart seems so torn between the two places. sometimes it can just be so hard to comprehend human emotion.. anyway, on another note, I'd really like to thank God cuz this was by far my best semester here. or so I think at least. I was relatively happy throughout (which would explain my absence from this lj) and I guess it was during this sem that I really began to recognise the wonders of His grace :)
upcoming: selling wiggles, stats exam, home on the 773ER, holiday (!!), IL...
current mood:  confused but content
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| Saturday, June 7th, 2008
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2:57 am - the LAST day of the semester...
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no sleep in 2 days, and I'm still blogging at this time when I should be catching up on my sleep. I must be becoming like kif! ha ha anyway, as is my habit of reflection on every last-day-of-something, I just wanted to take this time to really thank GOD for all the wonderful things He's given me. I can't ever look back and regret on anything even though sometimes I might feel like doing so, cuz the knowledge that He had everything planned out for me right from the beginning makes me so , so very thankful for all that I've encountered along the way. if ever asked if I would go back and change something from the past, I don't think I would- because that would mean that I would not have met with some of the most wonderful things that have happened to me. thanks God.
current mood: content
current music: chopin's mazurka no. 5 in b flat
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
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12:27 am - of preludes and nocturnes
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heyhey... I haven't really been writing mostly because I guess I've been relatively happy these days... or at least haven't been half as angsty as I was last term. time has flown by pretty quickly and school has already ended. I'm done with one subject... final essay and all all in. exchange interview over and screwed up. now I've got just 3 more hurdles to cross- 1 more final essay, 2 exams and I'll be done for the year. done for.
anyway, so what have I been up to all this while? well, I got that good old car that I said I'd get. and right after that, I got a job to pay off my car. my car's not exactly a 1970 ford mustang nor is my job a starbucks barista as I'd wished. but they work for me... thanks God. as I used to declare on my ducktours and hippo tours, "in Singapore, people like me probably wouldn't be owning a car any time soon..."
anyway, it was raining today as it has been since last week (and will be for the entire week... might as well be in seattle..) and I was let off early from work. my romantic night walk to the bus stop was beautiful and somewhat of a realisation of the beauty of my surroundings... life... to say the least. all this despite the biting november rain as I trudged across half of sydney with the rain slipping off my rainjacket and trusty anti-slip boots keeping my feet dry. christmas is supposed to be cold and that was the way it should be. the lights of star city, the bridge walk across darling harbour, and the cosy feeling of Christmas approaching- the lights, wreaths, decorations proliferating the city... yum.
now I'm back home, nice and warm in my room, cold and rainy outside. I like. and to top it all off, I'm listening to my new cd hehes... I got bored so I bought more of Chopin's nocturnes plus some live recordings of Gershwin playing, and 2 of Beethoven's symphonies. I feel so much better now.
one more thing. I'll be working on 6th dec back at my beloved SB store! yeap, salvation army open house (free drinks day). please come and support! doubt I'll actually be working on the floor again seeing as to how my skills have probably deteriorated like **** by now. but it'll be fun, it's gonna bring back tons of memories and trigger the nostalgia all over again. red shirts, green aprons, lame santa hats, peppermint mocha, toffee nut latte, gingerbread frappuccino, the essence of it all. sometimes I wish I could turn back time just to live it all once more, and yet even back then I knew I would never have it all the same again.
sometimes life may seem weary, down and.. crappy, but youknow if you call and wait upon the Lord you'll find boundless love, joy and peace... such which are supernatural and not of this earth. I'm beginning to understand all that (I hope), and I guess that's what's been keeping me going these days. seriously though, I can't wait to get home... I'll be flying on the A380 in 2 weeks' time! by then the plane would still be into less than a month of commercial operation and that means I'll still be one of the pioneer passengers aye.
current mood: it is well with my soul
current music: la boutique fantasque (nocturne)
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apricotpeach's journal